News.

Today I went for my first big ultrasound. I am 12 weeks, 5 days. Toward the end of the scan which took a long time because baby was asleep and it was hard to find baby due to how my uterus is tilted or something, the tech scanned toward the bun area. Immediately I saw what looked like a nub between the legs. After stating what I saw, she then went over the area again and said, "Yep, if I'd have to say what it is right now, I'd say boy. That looks like a little nub." 

Okay, so a couple things... 

1. She should have asked me if I wanted to know before saying anything.

2. Warned me she was going down there to measure and look at things.

3. Fred wasn't with me.

Anyway, back to the story. Once she said that I just said, "Yeah, okay." I didn't feel sad, upset, happy, excited or anything. I felt indifferent. I felt nothing. It was such a strange feeling. I don't know if it was because it didn't really hit me yet or I was in shock or my brain just hadn't wrapped itself around the news. 

The following hours were just as strange. I felt so many emotions almost all at once. I felt sad, mad, angry, excited, disappointed, numb etc. It felt like I was going to burst because I was feeling so much so fast. Then I just kind of became numb again. Indifferent. I don't really feel anything again. I've tried not to think about it too much. Trying to say to myself that it's still early and we both could be wrong (I know we're not) but I just kind of feel... Well, I don't really know. Definitely not as excited as I was before. I wonder why God would give me another boy knowing how much Fred and I desire a girl. I think that's what I feel most sad about. God couldn't give me what I wanted for whatever reason I may never understand. That's hard to accept. I am being denied my righteous desire. 

Going forward I'm going to assume it's a boy and center my life what will be only boys with no chance of a girl. Sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan. Maybe it's my own personal lesson I need to learn. Who knows. I am incredibly grateful for a healthy baby and know all these boys I have will always protect and take care of me. And that brings me joy and comfort.