Epiphany

Last week I was listening to Dr. Laura and I heard something that really struck me. A girl (who I imagine around my age) called in about her weight. She said she was overweight and unhappy and needed tips on motivating herself and advice. Dr. Laura then (in her always very blunt way) said, "No, you really don't care about it." She explained that if she cared enough, she would do something about it. Her excuses made her feel validated and that deep down she thought she looked fine. If she cared enough, she would do the things she needed to. The girl kept saying she did care but Dr. Laura told her repeatedly that no, she actually didn't.

This girl was me. I did this. I complain and am upset about being overweight but I do nothing to do anything about it. I keep eating poorly and don't exercise. Dr. Laura explained that she didn't need to go crazy. She just needed to stop eating crap and walk with her baby (one of her excuses). For me, I needed to actually use my gym membership. But I had said that I couldn't go at night because Fred gets home late and I couldn't go during the day because I have Macie. I never considered waking up early before everyone wakes up. And I realized if I wanted to feel good, I needed to stop making excuses about things I could control. I could control when I went and what I ate. Mostly, I am just tired of not loving what I see in the mirror.

So, the next morning after hearing that conversation on the radio, I got up at 4am to go to the gym. Was it hard? Yes. But it was possible. This week I have been waking up everyday at 4am and have gotten my butt to the gym. I workout from 4:30-5:30am then shower, get ready, get lunches packed etc from 5:30-6:30am. I wake the kids at 6:30am and leave for school at 7:20am. Everyone is ready, the house is clean and I am awake and productive. I run errands directly after dropping off the boys because Macie is ready too.

In the course of hearing that conversation and then going to the gym, I realized that life was controlling me and I wasn't controlling life. Like I said, it's only been a week, but I am so proud of myself. I have cut out crap food and cut back on my food portions. I'm not counting calories, just making better choices. I have energy throughout the whole day. I feel better. I feel happier and have a sense of accomplishment at night. Yesterday, when I picked up the boys, Caleb asked, "Mom, why are you so happy?" I realized it's because I feel in control. I just feel good and it's motivating me to keep going and not stop. I realized I needed to stop making excuses for the things I can control. I really didn't care enough but now I do. I'm ready to start feeling better and happier.