I've been having the feeling like I need to take some time to write down some things that have been on my mind. I thought about sharing them while I bore my testimony on this last Fast Sunday but we woke up too late and missed Sacrament.
This past year has been full of a lot of change for me, personally, spiritually and physically. I ended a friendship that was turning out to be unhealthy for me. Unfortunately it ended in a very bad way which I regret but know that ending the friendship was the right thing. I've learned that it's perfectly okay to be friends with people who aren't LDS and even those who have left the church, but once they start bad mouthing and talking negatively about the Gospel in a way where you can feel the Spirit leave, you need to not be friends with that person. And thats where I found myself. The more I was around this person, the more cynical I was and found myself in a very negative state of mind. It was hard on me. So, it ended. It is still awkward but I know I did the right thing.
I also got to a point where I physically hated myself. Maybe hate is too strong of a word but I certainly wasn't confident, I felt ugly, fat, unattractive and I couldn't see anything about myself except that. I couldn't see past anything but that. So, like I have mentioned in previous posts, I heard something on the radio and that hit me and ever since then, I have tried to better myself physically. I have lost 23 lbs and am now down to my regular, pre-pregnancy weight. And I'm finding it easier every day to make good food decisions and enjoy the things I like in moderation. It isn't always easy waking up so early every day but I know it's what I needed. It has given me confidence and I feel better about how I look.
Both of these major changes, along with being a RS teacher for a little over a year now, I feel as though I have grown in so many ways. And before that, I felt I always ended the year with nothing to show for it. I always felt I hadn't improved myself in any way or done anything worth being proud over. I had lost myself for a very long time. But having this calling, working on myself in more ways than one, I have felt the Saviors love for me more present in my life. I feel the Spirit more. I feel that I am starting to understand the Savior a little more and my faith is being strengthened. After having felt so weak, doubtful and depressed, I finally feel more joy. I feel like the vail is thinner. I feel more in tune with the Spirit and to my Heavenly Father. And for that, I cannot express how grateful and humbled I am for this gift.
Life isn't perfect and it never will be. Most days I lose my temper and get short with my kids and most nights, I feel like they deserve a mom so much better than me but then I'm reminded how quick they are to forgive. I need to be more like them. I have a long way to go on my mile long list of what I need to be better at but I know I do get credit for trying. And along this path, I'm relearning who I am as a person and not as a wife and mom. I am rediscovering myself and who I am. Because that person has been lost for far too long.
During this Christmas season, I'm so thankful for the Savior. I'm thankful for Mary who was qualified to be the Saviors mother. She is who I aspire to be like. She is the ultimate mom. I'm so thankful that no matter how much I screw up, make mistakes or fall short that I am always loved and remembered by my Heavenly Father. I know He is real and that I am His daughter. He loves me. I need to remember these things always. It is what helps me when I'm down, feeling sorry for myself or just in a bad mood. Because remembering all this reminds me how fortunate and blessed I am.
I'm glad that at the end of this year I can say I'm so proud of what I have accomplished.
No comments:
Post a Comment