I feel like infertility struggles & IVF issues are being discussed & normalized more & more- as it should be. I love that there is less stigma surrounding it now. But that was never my struggle. I can’t sympathize; but I can empathize. But no one ever really talks about the flip side of that. The issues one can face post babies. When it’s easy for one to get pregnant but when one faces long standing issues long after babies have been born, especially via c-section multiple times. Because, honestly, I think it’s because sometimes we feel guilty from how easy the first part of it all was for us.
But both are equally as important to be discussed & normalized. Both are hard. Both are emotionally draining. Doing so does not minimize anyone’s experiences.
So, I’d like to share about this journey of mine not for pity or attention but in hopes that women can be more open about discussing it to not feel so alone because hearing others experiences has really helped me feel less alone.
Today was a big day for me.
Yes, I had minimal issues with fertility. For that, I am really grateful. But I’ve had many issues since giving birth because of the way I gave birth. But let me be clear- if I had to, I would do it all over again because having each & every one of my children has been worth all the pain & all the surgeries.
Because of my issues post babies, as I’ve gotten older, I have had to deal with endometriosis, adenomyosis, cysts, debilitating cycles, clotting, sporadic bleeding & so on. My doctor(s) & I have tried many things to try & combat this with no avail. I consulted with 3 different doctors about a solution. Same answer was given to me by all of them. The only remedy was hysterectomy. I’ve waited a long time for this & getting approval was not easy. Yet, nothing could prepare me for the emotional toll this has taken on me, not to mention physical. I have cried many, many tears with the reality of this entire situation.
Let me back up a bit for a moment- a year & a half ago we made the decision to remove my fallopian tubes for two reasons. 1. We were done having kids & wanted a permanent solution & 2. Under the recommendation of my doctor, it was thought to help with the issues I’d been dealing with and a far less invasive surgery option. Unfortunately, it only helped with creating permanent infertility & not my other issues. So, I thought this surgery wouldn’t be as emotional for me given that I’m already infertile.
I was wrong. I felt grief I hadn’t felt before. I felt grief of loosing the home I had had my whole life that housed my 4 healthy babies. I was loosing the thing that gave me the easy ability to have each of them. I was loosing something I held dear even though it has been giving me so much trouble. I had thoughts of feeling like less of a woman. I could go on. I was just hit so hard with so many unexpected thoughts & emotions.
This is my 7th surgery relating to having had my 4 children. My body has been through so much & I am tired. So very tired. And even though I’m emotionally still working through feelings right now, & of course the physical pain (my goodness…) I am incredibly grateful to this body of mine. It has worked really hard and been through so much.
But now it’s done. I’m ready to have a life that’s not weighed down by all this pain & discomfort any longer. I’m so grateful to Fred. I truly couldn’t have done this process without him. He is my rock, my support in everything I do & the person I know I can lean on & he will carry me 100% while telling me how much he loves me.
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