38 weeks

I am now 38 weeks along. Next week I will have a baby. I can't even begin to explain all the emotions I feel throughout the course of my days. I am completely scared. I am excited. I am nervous. I am anxious. I feel like I'm on a constant rollercoaster of emotions. It's getting harder and harder to sleep at night and if I am in any position too long, my hips really ache and hurt. Then it hurts to move. I'm having contractions as well throughout the day and night. The kind of contractions that stop you in your tracks and you have to grab onto something for support. They hurt. Bad. She moves constantly and her movements are hurting more and more too. I'm feeling constant vaginal pressure and pain in my hip/pelvic area. I feel like the hunchback of Notre Dame because I find myself hunching over more and more from the pain. 

I'm very ready to be done being pregnant but don't feel ready to take on a baby. I feel like it's been ages since I've dealt with a little baby. Asher is almost 5 so it really has been a long time. I know I can do it but I just don't want to. It's probably the hormones and aches/pains talking. I'm always so tired during the day and I have to take multiple rests. I feel so limited because the littlest things make me so tired. I feel like I have no idea what to expect because I've never had a girl before. And I'm annoyed by everyones opinions and comments. I'm just so irritable. 

The past few weeks have been moving as fast as molasses. Each day seems so long. I know once she's here time will fly by but right now all I feel is impatient, feel like crying, and just kind of a mess. I can't seem to get as excited as I know I should be. All I can think about is going into surgery again. I can't convey thoroughly how much I don't want to have surgery again. I am so afraid. The recovery sucks. The surgery sucks. It hurts. It's painful. It's scary. It's frightening. I am just so afraid. 

I keep telling Fred I can't do this anymore. I can't keep getting cut open. I don't want to do this anymore. I hope there will come a day when he agrees that it's time to be done. I know he would love more children but I think he is also understanding of the fact that it really takes so much out of me. It's so draining on so many levels. The fact that he hasn't said, "Yes, this is it" makes me so uneasy. I just want that confirmation from him. I know I have it. I'm okay with it. I am done after this. I just wish he was already as sure as I am now. I hope one day we will be on the same page and he'll be okay with it. Anyway, I really need to start thinking more positively and being happy that I am finally going to have a girl. I should be feeling so much more grateful and happy but it's hard when all you feel is lousy. Constantly. I know it's all worth it and holding her will be amazing and wonderful. I'm just getting so impatient. Anyway, here I am at 37 weeks. I'm feeling huge, can't see my feet and it is so difficult to shave my legs. Only 1 more week...